I take this seriously. Very seriously. The room is white, high-ceilinged, interrupted by curves of steel equipment here and there. I am wearing safety goggles and my boots are lined with plastic bags. There is a clipboard to my left, a glass of water to my right, and beneath my chair a syringe filled with hydrocortisone. And in front of me is a small can of Suntory Coffee Boss Super Blend. The can is quiet, sturdy, blue, a strong blue that somehow communicates both depth and solidity, like the eyes of a Belgian mountaineer. I reach toward the can. I take a sip.

The coffee is surprisingly thin — I had expected creamier. There is a slight metallic taste. But is that the coffee or the container? Now I'm licking the rim of the can — no, I don't think that's the source. Now I'm licking the sides of the can. Now I'm nuzzling the portrait of the Coffee Boss himself — Mr. Suntory, perhaps? He seems to be smoking a pipe, which gives him an immediate air of authority. But he doesn't look like a good man, a kind man. He's got the distant squint that feigns trouble elsewhere to hide the emptiness and fear within. Gazing off to the back nine so he can forget his pregnant daughter sobbing in the Suntory Corporate Golf Facility clubhouse. You are a prick, Coffee Boss. I am going to stop nuzzling you momentarily — in fact, I will cease licking your can entirely.

I take another sip of the coffee. Except now the can seems to be empty... Apparently I have been sipping all along. Interesting. Perhaps the "Super Blend" refers to some sort of hallucinogenic and/or amnesiac additive. Or perhaps someone siphoned off the coffee supply as I recorded my observations! I suspect Coffee Boss, that prick! Your daughter and I are in love, old man — do not deny her the joy that you would not allow yourself. I am taking her away, far away, maybe Macau, where she and I and our unborn child will walk by the sea and enjoy small custard pies. Our child is named Alex, and he will play shortstop. You may be the boss of all coffee, Coffee Boss, but you cannot boss the human heart.

I have to say I was a little disappointed by this particular coffee — sweet, but not particularly flavorful or substantial. However, I was also disappointed by the movie "Saw," which says something about my tendency toward miscalibrated expectations.

Eli Horowitz is the managing editor of McSweeney's and editor of The People of Paper and other books. Furthermore, he is a really nice guy. Or so his correspondence would lead one to believe.

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