UCC — "Sumi Yaki Coffee"

by David Cady

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A pleasantly disorienting interplay between sweet and bitter elements that combine to produce a hearty finish. This is a perfect post-hangover beverage that is most effective after a bowl of noodles. It should remain unopened for the first ten minutes of the walk home from the ramen shop and then be consumed in the final three. During the initial ten minutes, squeeze the can firmly as the owner of the used-record shop quickly looks up from whatever he's doing to make eye contact with you through the window as you pass by, like he always does, making you wonder for the hundredth time how in the world he knows you're there. Maybe he's thinking the same thing. Him, with his goofy-ass permed mullet. On the final leg of your journey, open the can and, while absently sipping, fantasize that you earn a million dollars for every step you take.


Try to guess how many steps it will take to reach your front door. If your prediction proves accurate to within five steps, the multimillion-dollar jackpot is yours. Consider what you'd do with the money and whether it would really make you happy. Decide that you'd give large sums to friends and family, but then wonder if doing so would put weird strains on your relationships, like, would they feel obliged to always keep in touch and send Christmas cards and otherwise constantly express their gratitude? If that were the case, they might actually grow resentful of you, perhaps even only subconsciously, thus messing up what were once normal relationships. Conclude that money is a complicated thing but that in the end, being rich would be awesome.

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