UCC — "Original Milk & Coffee"

by David Cady

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Tastes like creamer with sugar. Its unapologetic treacliness works best on packed train platforms, particularly while awaiting the last train of the day at Ikebukuro station and being accosted by a drunk dwarf clutching a five-hundred-milliliter can of Kirin Lager. After the encounter, be careful not to jokingly chastise your friend for speaking with a dwarf, as this act of disrespect toward a less-advantaged (and downright tanked) member of society will horrify your girlfriend and end any chances of you "getting lucky" that evening.* Of further note: Never, under any circumstances, demonstrate to your girlfriend your supposed facility with sign language, complete with slurred spoken accompaniment, even if you know through your six-Guinness haze that your rendition is jaw-droppingly accurate. Your girlfriend may turn out to have a friend whose sister is deaf, and that friend may be standing right next to your girlfriend.


*On the tense ride back to your place, show your defiance by becoming unnaturally interested in the act of drinking your coffee. Take in the old-school artwork on the can; really study it, every detail. Don't judge it. Rather, tilt your mind's eye quizzically askew as if saying, "Curious." Close your eyes and hold the mouth of the can up to your nose and slowly breathe in the aroma. What do you smell? Toffee? Hints of No. 2 pencil eraser? Now cup the can in both hands and slowly raise it to your lips. Drink the nectar in one short, sharp intake, allowing some air in so as to create a ragged slurp. This is how the pros drink coffee. Allow the flavors to play around on your tongue. Mentally address each one. "Hello Sweet 'N Low. Ah yes, caramel, how are you? Greetings, shit." Repeat this ritual until you reach Shinjuku station. As the doors hiss open, place the can under your seat and bolt out of the train, then turn to gloat at your flummoxed girlfriend as the doors close. You've won the battle. Now go home and fall asleep in the flickering blue light of your TV, flanked by congealed convenience-store curry and a liter bottle of Calpis Water.

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