It's 1:00 and Salon de Cafe is getting fidgety in his swivel chair. It's lunchtime, but more importantly, it's gym time. And Salon de Cafe is intent on being "buff." This desire to have large muscles has its roots in the time about seven years ago when, upon his arrival in the U.S. for a vacation, his mom took one look at him and said, "Oh honey, you're so thin." It's not because he is gay, because he is definitely not gay. When Salon de Cafe tells you he is as straight as they come, you better believe he's telling the truth. So anyway, today is a Monday, which means it's shoulders day. He has read somewhere that women are attracted to men with strong shoulders, which he now possesses thanks to his deep insecurities about being regarded as skinny and, by extension, unathletic.

Salon de Cafe will have you know that despite his rather awkward appearance, he was a stellar athlete in his youth. But he peaked early, around twelve, and has been living off the vapors of that playground glory for, oh, about thirty years now. In the gym, he is pure focus, pounding out shoulder presses, lateral deltoid raises, shrugs and posterior deltoid raises in that exact order. Flecks of his spittle dot the mirror. Fuck, he's strong. Broad-shouldered and strong. And so straight it's not even funny.

Back in the office, his shirt is slightly snugger than it was just an hour earlier. Thin? Salon de Cafe? I don't think so, Mom.

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