Dydo — "Fukkoku Do"

by David Cady

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We drink coffee because of its unparalleled "taste." But, as has been proven by expert researchers, there are other reasons. For eons, man has been consuming roasted beans of various types, hoping for a high of some sort. Also, as was written about extensively in the Pulitzer Prize-winning ethnohistorical tome "Planes, Trains and Automobiles," people who are short and brutish turn to coffee to escape, if just for fifteen minutes, from their godawful lives.

After World War II, the peoples of New Guinea decided that they more than liked coffee -- they fucking loved it. In the Americas, coffee is closely associated with impromptu poetry jams, and it is not uncommon to see a man and a woman in a cafe, arm in arm, weaving unsteadily around the tables and whispering their frenzied thoughts in the deepest way possible, occasionally crafting phrases of such emotional impact that the other patrons will scream at them to "just stop it."


Thanks to science, we now know that coffee is better for one's health than water, as it has none of water's deceptive clarity, which can lead to drowning. We also know that it is a powerful truth serum: to drink coffee is to utter no lies. In a recent study, 100 well-informed individuals were asked to down a can of Dydo "Fukkoku Do" coffee and then answer a range of awkward questions, including "What is the most disgusting thought you have ever had?" and "Do you fear black men?" The answers were in many cases predictable, but others revealed a large number of the doughy-but-pleasant-looking participants to be very, very bad people. In short, we drink coffee, but we do not understand it -- how could we?

Discuss with other coffee lovers. (1)

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