Boss — "Black"

by David Cady

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Boss Black was born in the Shimokitazawa neighborhood of Tokyo and moved to South Dakota when he was two. In preschool he started a gang called "The Jean Jacket Gang," all four members of which wore jean jackets. They all ate their boogers, too, even though Chris's mom told him it would give him worms. Boss Black's parents divorced when he was eight — a story that involves too much beer, a yearning for freedom and a dose of cuckolding. He was a good adapter, however, and shrugged off the divorce like he did with high and tight pitches in Wiffle Ball. But in junior high, oh shit. He discovered that he could make people's heads explode just by thinking about it. His first victim was a boy named Cam, who wore thick glasses that magnified his blinking blue eyes to the size of five-hundred yen coins. Cam's head came apart extravagantly with a dry pop in English class while giving a presentation. "And that's why too much catnip will make the Maine Coon skitt(pop!)..." Mrs. Brenner, the teacher, just kept saying, "Oh, oh, oh, oh." Boss Black ran to the bathroom and took the biggest poop of his life, crying so hard that snot bubbles bloomed several times in his equine nostrils.

High school was made weird by the fact that Boss Black's superpowers were openly acknowledged and he was essentially king of the world. By the age of seventeen, he could now also fly, become invisible, make people's bones melt, talk with animals, turn everything he touched into diamond and read minds. Walking down the pure-diamond halls of Osceola High one Tuesday, he decided he'd had enough of school, and with a single bound flew through a third-story window and didn't come down until he was in Japan.


Tokyo was much more to Boss Black's liking than Osceola, pop. 208. He loved the crowds of Shimokitazawa, which he would slip into while invisible and ride the currents down the narrow streets. A massive crow told him where to find the best curry and beer. So it came to be that Boss Black, king of the world, declared Shimokitazawa the new global capital and melted the bones of all who resisted his decree.

After finishing an extra-large serving of vegetable curry and a can of Vietnamese beer at Yumeya, his favorite restaurant, Boss Black handed the cashier a diamond the size and shape of a chopstick and disappeared into the twilight. Flying invisible about seven feet above the street, he spotted a vending machine glowing in front of a store selling used jeans. He was just about to order the crows to peck a hole in the glass and steal some coffee for him but stopped when he spotted a can of Boss Black lined up among the offerings. "My name," he whispered. He examined the can. It bore his likeness — that trademark pipe and moustache — and carried the words: "Smooth and clear taste made with original & drip method." He needed that coffee, as there was obviously some fate thing going on, so he ordered the crows to descend upon the machine and liberate a can of Boss Black. Not wanting any witnesses, he made their heads explode then grabbed the can and flew to his apartment, where he drank it in one thirsty guzzle. And then, quietly and seemingly without reason, he abandoned his powers on the spot and got a job as an English teacher, no longer king of the world.

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